The New Year

I have come a long way since I first started. I feel as if a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I can see a lot clearer. Girls are a mystery to me but I can understand them a bit better. More then that is the fact that I can understand myself. I know what I want more then ever an I know where I want to be in the future. The journey has been fun, interesting, and frustrating

I try my hardest that when someone asks me to go out that I say yes. I never used to hang out with my cousin Neil before but I've been to party after party with him. I decided to spend my New Years eve with him at a house party at the Bronx. A year ago I would have never went out for a new years party let alone one in the Bronx. If I were there I probably would sit on a coach somewhere and look at all the people have fun and wish I could be like them. Why not? Why can't I be out there having fun and talking to everyone?

This year I transformed into that guy. I walk through that door and I introduce myself to everyone. I was shocked when I looked around the room and how many hot girls were there in the most amazing outfits. I go up to different girls and start having a conversation. I talk to both the girls and the guys. I have been trained to be in a place like this. While I am still afraid of approach I do it either way. I learn the girls names and a little bit of what they are about. They are all friendly and we have some descent conversations. Music is constantly playing through the party and I am out there dancing with the girls which is something I have always been afraid of. I'm having an absolute blast. Unfortunately I brought a friend that couldn't hold their alcohol so I couldn't fully realize what I wanted that night but I had a great time either way.

Even though I've been putting myself out there It hasn't produced a second meeting with these girls. That is where the other side of my life has come into play. I still meet people from shaadi.com and even through family that has produced some dates. I've been out on several dates with different girls and some of them have been great but It's hard for me to move it in a direction that I want. I don't know how to act properly to push in a direction of sexual attraction vs hey lets just be friends. I end up in the friendship zone way to much. While I have learned a lot I still don't know what to say. I just be myself but being myself isn't escalating sexually.

I'm not discouraged though. I will continue to learn and hopefully see results soon. It can be frustrating at times though. When I see other people having fun in a relationship I wish I could be that guy. When I see a movie where a guy is cocky funny I want to mimic him but not sure how. I know that I have a lot going for me and I should concentrate on that but its hard to want to be something more that you are not.

At a certain point in my life I believed that no girl would ever like me and that if one ever did I would grab onto her and marry her regardless of who she was. Now I have don't almost a complete 180. I don't want just any girl. I want someone who I absolutely love everything about. I need to be attracted to her physically and emotionally. She needs to be beautiful in my eyes. She has to be fun and engaging. She can't be overly defensive. She has to be modern and in tune with a more new way of thinking and not overly traditional. She needs to have silly quirks that make her unique that I fall in love with. I need her to show me affection and love and make me want to give her the world. I have never been in love and I'm not sure what it feels like. I've had dreams in which I was with a girl and it was the most magical feeling in the world and I want that in my life.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me. While I feel sad a descent amount in my life I have hope. God has always provided for me. He has given me what I needed when I needed it. In 10 years I wonder what I will think when I look back. Who will be the person I transform into. Will I look back and think about how far I've come? Unfortunately I can't read the future and I have the power to write the present. I will find my true love...one day.